That's not to say that nobody else does, but for some reason I really rather dislike it. Even at this moment, I'm scared that I'm going to mess up with every upcoming word that I am typing. Wondering to myself if what's being tapped out at my fingertips will be derivative, unappealing or worse, badly written and whiney. It feels whiney to be typing it, but it also feels necessary.
Ever since the ripe old age of 6, I've wanted to make films. I've wanted to write them and make them and have them shown around the world and have people be encapsulated by this tale that was resided in my brain and is now in yours. Ever since the moment I knew I wanted to do this, and I remember the exact moment I'll have you know, I've written wee stories. I've written short story's and long stories and imagined worlds and characters and situations to fill them. I've watched films and read books and receded into these pockets of imagination when the real world wasn't enough.
Now I'm in my twenties and I'm studying to do what I always wanted to do but I'm scared. I'm scared a lot. So scared that it's stopped me from doing anything. I'm scared that I have nothing to offer, nothing to distinguish myself from the hundreds of thousands out there who are conquering their destinies and that my ideas, my time, is worthless. I'm scared that I won't amount to anything; I'm scared that there's no point to me doing this at all, of doing anything I do really.
I've always had the belief that the longer and harder you work on something the better and more satisfying it'll be when you've completed it. It's one of the reasons I don't write on here often. Who want's to hear another guy yabbering on about their problems with no real substance, conclusion or argument? No, if I'm going to do anything I'm going to work long and hard on it so it can be all the greater when I'm done. I'll think out my points, come up with something interesting and because I've done all this it'll make it all the more amazing.
Ha, not done that today. Ah, jeez I really haven't. Fuck it.
I've always liked pouring myself into what I do, but what if what I do isn't as good as I thought it was? Or as good as people thought it'd be? Does that means that I'm not good? Even if I spend hours, days, weeks and years slaving over the one project? What if that's not good?
Yeah, you can probably tell that these thought's are already unhealthy and having them swimming around your head, as I have, for at least the last 18 months hasn't yielded anything helpful at all. In fact it's controlled my life too much. I don't like that and I'd rather it didn't continue. In a film that I like a lot, Ratatouille, there's a quote from the legendary chef Gusteau:
You must be imaginative, strong-hearted. You must try things that may not work, and you must not let anyone define your limits because of where you come from. Your only limit is your soul. What I say is true - anyone can cook... but only the fearless can be great.
Only the fearless can be great. I don't there's such a thing as being fearless to be honest. Everybody's been scared, some more than others, whether it's fear of death or banana's (like a boy from school I knew) but not letting it rule you is another matter. Acting despite your fear, despite that crippling anxiety that you're not worth it or you won't amount to anything or whatever it may be, that is courage.
And courage exists. I don't need to prove it to you, because it sp clearly does. Crossing the road takes courage, doing anything new takes courage and if that's not enough for you then look to the news. Look to he horrors that prevail our screen and to those who act in spite of it. Yes, courage exists and it is just not a cowardly dog (topical ain't I?).
I guess, if you've stood my yabbering thus far, what I'm trying to say is that fear must be natural. It neads to be acknowledged before it can be overcome because knowing what's there makes the darkness easy to see through. You might not ever conquer it, I can't say for sure. I can't say if I ever will, I just know that being afraid isn't a bad thing.
I'm scared of failure because I want to do well (doy) just like anyone on the street beyond my front door but failure is a part of life. If you live a life that lacks mistakes then how are you going to get stronger or know yourself? It's only when you fail that you know what you're made of, and I think I've started to know myself better because of it.
I can't say I'm over my fear, because that would be lying and I don't like lying. I'm probably still a far cry from being over it, but I know now that having the courage to act in spite of it is what will conquer or diminish it. That as the poet Robert Frost once wrote, the only way forward, is through. You're probably thinking that a Disney movie or Hallmark card could tell you all this, but I guess it's one of those thing's you have to live to know. A Testament of Acknowledgement
I hereby acknowledge that I am afraid of failure,
But in spite of this I will aim to act,
To not have my fears and anxiety's rule me
And be the best me I can.
Also, credit where credit is due, this was somewhat inspired by an old video that Charlie McDonnell aka CharlieIsSoCoolLike made, so have a watch of that if you're still here.
Thank's for listening, and if it interest's you, you can check me me out on Twitter
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